abuse rebound?

[bing]

abuse rebound? I was involved with an abusive man for 5 years and have been split up for 2 years. He was diagnosed with a personality disorder but refused to get help. Since splitting with him I have been fantisizing about women alot. I feel quite damaged by my past and I am not sure if I am thinking clearly or if I am rebounding from the horrible situation I CHOSE to stay in for WAY too long. I can't get the thought of being with a woman out of my head and now women seem so HOT. Just trying to figure out who the hell I am now. Have I switched teams? Anyone else been through this?

[kallay]

I really think this is the perfect time for you to seek professional help from a qualified therapist. No one here can really help you know if you're a lesbian or not, but good guidance will do you a world of good.

[mensing]

^ Perfect Answer

[krammes]

Sounds like you've been through a lot There are people here who came out (even to themselves) later in life. There also are people here who have been through abusive relationships. But abuse doesn't "make" people gay. And women can be abusive, too. Whether you're gay or bi or straight as houses is a separate issue. A good thing that can come out of your bad relationship is that now you know what to look for & avoid so it doesn't happen with anyone ever again.

[fedorchak]

Nushka is correct - as usual : ) The thing is, every lesbian has gone through some sort of 'coming out' process. But everyone of us has had a different experience and not one of us in an online forum can predict or know what's really in your heart or your head. If you can, work with your current therapist, or find a local gay/lesbian center that offers counseling or a coming out group to help you to figure out what's really going on.

[Godfrey]

Pshaw, miss Not a bad tag team. Together, we make one super older-but-wiser crone ;-)

[gamelin]

oh, please bring it up with her next time you see her! Please tell her. This is prime therapy fodder. You may be gay or you may simply be seeking some care and mothering for your wounded self after 5 years with an abuser. I would seek that out non-sexually first - truly heal from the abuse. And then after that, you can evaluate whether you are sexually attracted to women or not. Bring it up with her! It is nothing to be ashamed of and no huge secret to keep.

[uden]

fabulous advice from all of you. thank you so much. I was so afraid of getting slammed....but I got the opposite :) Onedash, I will definatly talk to my councellor when I feel as though I may want intimacy again. I have not been with anyone since that relationship and for me, for now, alone is the safest, smartest and healthiest place to be. I am rebuilding my life and my self esteem. I feel better than I have in a long time but I am wary of other people, understandably so, and I see the possibilty of abuse in many people, men and women. I know the warning signs now and wish I could yell them at the top of my lungs and have everyone know what I didn't. I am not sure what exactly I was looking for when I posted this morning. I think it was something along the lines of "YA, THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO":)I know I find very few men attractive and my raging feminist side boils really close to the surface when in the company of even my closest male friends. I try to keep my thoughts in check and am careful to not paint everyone with the abuser brush. This has been a challenge for me. I am not sure if I will ever be 'truly healed' from what happen and I don't know if women are in my future. If they are, i will not feel ashamed. I don't think being gay is anything to be ashamed of. For now things are good, peaceful and fine the way they are. but I might just look and wonder for a bit longer.

[barthold]

you have a good head on your shoulders You will be just fine and whoever you choose to be in a relationship with next, man or woman, will be lucky to have you.

[kasperek]

yay. thanks. I think so too but it matter alot lately to hear it from others.

[damaris]

hey, some cautions for you I am sure you realize this but I did not and my subconscious nonrealization got me into some bad relationships. There are also abusive women out there and if you are not fully recovered from the trauma of this relationship, you are a prime target for one (or another abusive man). I think sometimes b/c of our parent relationships or relationships as adults, our subconscious minds, in trying to protect us, push us toward the opposite of our past abuser. For me that occurred with me coming out of childhood thinking women are where safety and nurturance are at and men are where abuse and terror are at (my dad was exceedingly abusive and is, in fact, a diagnosed sociopath). So I went with and for the first woman who wanted me. And then the next and then the next and then the next. That was my 20s. Now I am not saying I am gay b/c I was abused by my male parent. I am saying I entered relationships thinking women are good, kind, loving, nurturing and non-abusive and if it was a woman, she would be kind to me. Turns out, there are assholes on both sides of the fence and one has to do the same self-protection, the same going slow, the same evaluating a potential partner's character over an extended period of time in many different situations as you would do with men. Take away message? Just be careful out there. Also, please get some therapy from a nurtuing, loving, caring, experienced and smart therapist. You totally deserve it and it is the best thing that you will ever do for yourself.

[langlinais]

in case I haven't said this before welcome to ,tendril. Nice to have you here

[kilbourne]

Grazie :) May we have more "blame it on the boogie" pics Nice Lady?

[osment]

something like this?

[Amalie]

*giggle*

[weant]

that woman appears to have a tail Oh, British Lady!

[lawlor]

Seriously... Is there a way to package up this (amazing) thread, and post it in when the question/questioner comes up? (Which seems to be fairly often, I've noticed...)

[bouman]

you could copy and paste the # of the original post into an email to yourself if you have 2 email addresses. That way,when you click on the link,the whole thread comes up

[Lilith]

Hokey Smoke... Raising a technical question: Where does one find the # of the original post? I would never presume to "para-phase" the wise-women without permission...

[betten]

it's in grey at the bottom of every post Each post has a unique number. I wonder in which forum #x is?

[dilday]

Yessss... I see... much obliged...

[pethtel]

oh...and...